Saturday, February 28, 2009

Milk Crates for Stability in Your Life

Partly out of necessity, but mostly because of shared creative genius, the homeless have long been the sitting world's Steve Jobs, believing less is more and considering user-friendliness the key to a strong product. So, while the saturated streets of Washington, D.C. forced hundreds of thousands to spend hours standing or settle for spots amid Dunkin Donuts cups and pretzel-chip bags on the frigid, yellowish-green cement between the Capitol and the Washington Monument, these three men whipped out simple, but effective, milk crates to observe the festivities.

Let's examine the pros and cons of these mesh plastic squares.

Pros: When not used as a seat, the milk crate doubles as a reliable container for everything from young puppies (especially when crate is Bungee-corded above a rear bike tire) to Topps trading cards.

When stationed above a subway grate, the porous milk crate allows steam to warm your body, recycling the heat energy from below for an eco-friendly solution in a chilly city.

As pictured, milk crates foster hope and a sense of community among those in need. 

Cons: Be careful, milk crates are considered contraband. Possessing one will garner you serious jail time. 

Use over many hours may sear embarrassing mesh pattern on buttocks and upper hamstring.

Again, no lower back support. 


Although practical and sturdy, the milk crate won't help you look cooler or more appealing to potential spouses. However, there are plenty of men and women who, weathered but looking to love again after years spent with unreliable, disloyal and flaky intimates, are just searching for a stable companion. Sitting on a milk crate will prove that if you were a carpenter's level, your green bubble would always remain between the center lines.

Stability - 5/5
Cool Factor - 1/5
Difficulty - 1/5
Perilousness - 3/5 -- May cause severe police reprisal
Added bonus - Milk crates typically arrive with complimentary milk. 3/5

Overall rating - A steady 13/25

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