Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Idaho Paradox: Grace when supported by good and evil

Wedged between a bunch of Tetris blocks, shins squished against an uncompromising Wyoming, Idaho somehow manages to retain its dignity and excellent posture.  Consider his pointy head, level and staring on a line toward the East Coast.  With broad shoulders thrust gracefully against Oregon, Idaho grips his elevated knees without showing a hint of discomfort. Clearly, this is a Catholic-school-educated state.

Like an unwavering Civil War general riding stern and straight-backed among his admiring troops, Idaho, cemented in a regal right angle, commands respect. However, sitting atop Nevada and Utah is not for the undisciplined.

Pros: The slight southerly slope from the Pacific Ocean toward the Wyoming intrusion allows you to recline while maintaining a sturdy back. 

Majestic views.

Under 21? Grab some beers from Canada up there.

Cons: Instead of appearing on his shoulders in times of moral dilemma, the angel and devil are an omnipresent force located below Idaho's buttocks and feet.  Sitting in place of Idaho, you will never escape the constant struggle between vice and virtue. To his rear, devious Nevada pries open the gates of Hell as it promotes prostitution, intoxication and games of chance . To his front, Utah offers salvation by way of 3.2 beer, boredom and the denial of every basic human instinct. Truly, a perch above Nevada and Utah forces one to endure an inescapable battle between good and evil.  This is the Idaho Paradox.

There is an active volcano just a few hundred miles from the back of your head!

As you stare longingly at the blinding metropolises of the Northeast, you wonder what could have been had you pursued your MBA or followed your Broadway dreams.

It's like the coldest place in the entire United States. Also, there must be some reason no one knows anything at all about Idaho. 

So long as you can cope with the Idaho Paradox and cold, rigid borders, the region atop Nevada and Utah provides a commanding sentry post.  From here you can monitor 45 states without even turning your head. West Point graduates take note, this position requires vigilance and discipline.

Stability - 5/5 -- United we stand.
Cool Factor - 5/5 -- What is coolness but the respect, admiration and deference of others?
Difficulty - 3/5 -- Though your aching back may scream and your stiff legs may burn, you shall remain Buckingham Palace Beefeater.
Perilousness - 0/5 -- You sit and watch.
Added bonus -  3/5 You are the David Blaine of states.

Overall rating - A rocklike 16/25.

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